Infinite Way

For as far as I can remember I have been interested in esoteric arts. As a boy I loved nature and spent days, weeks, months out wandering, fishing, hiding, going to quiet places and just being. I noticed there was a deep sense of mystery that could almost be touched, a stillness that wasn't dependent on any "thing", but I had no idea what "it" was. Western spiritual traditions never really provided me with any answers and it wasn't until I came across a copy of the Tao Teh Ching by Lau Tzu that things started to make sense. The poems in it were so beautiful, describing the workings of nature and the flow of change, leading me into a world which at the time was very different from the one I inhabited, a South London council estate in the throws of Thatcherism and work in the building industry as a carpenter.

I had always been very physical and enjoyed sport but had never really considered martial arts, until by chance I met some people at a party who trained in Kung Fu. This started me on a long road of self discovery, that would begin in 1986 with me joining the Orpington branch of Tony Leungs Temple School of Kung Fu. The Sifu there was Michael Olrod who was super fit and hard as nails... the training was intense to say the least and I developed many bruises! At that time it was only once a week but my friend Adrian Brown, who had been training for much longer than me, used to help me out with extra tuition at his house when we could manage. After about a year Michael Olrod had to give up the class and another of Tony Leungs senior students, Les Hemmings, took over. It was now twice a week and I found it was really starting to get into my system. I was feeling fitter, more confident, so I decided after taking my brown sash, that I should start to train at the main school in London Bridge with Sifu Leung.

It was a little daunting at first. The School was situated in one of the archways under the station, and if any of you know it it's quite an eerie place to go, often blanketed in mist from the river and right near the London Dungeon! As you walked in through the iron front door you were confronted with a huge urn, which contained hundreds of burnt out incense sticks placed there by previous students as they came to train. As you went in you took two sticks bowed twice and entered the main training hall. For me it was like going into another world, racks of weapons, sandbags, kickbags and the rumble of the trains as they went overhead. Again the training was intense, but the atmosphere there made you want to do more. The level and range of the people there was also much greater, it gave you a chance to see how it should be done, more chance to spar and try things out. The training itself was Southern Mantis together with Southern Shaolin (mainly Hung Gar), which was Sifu Leungs own system called Steelwire Mantis. It seemed to be a well balanced system using the very powerful fast arm and footwork of the Mantis combined with the larger kicking and leaping moves of Shaolin boxing. After a few years the school moved to Mile End and again into a railway arch! This place was a little smaller but after a bit of work felt really good to train in.

As well as learning the martial arts I had been starting to get interested in the healing and softer more internal side of things. I had already trained in western massage and taken my ITEC certificate, was learning Shiatsu, Kitaiso movement and TCM with Ken Waight of the British School of Oriental Therapy and Movement, but I wanted to explore the energy and healing side of things further. This is when I happened upon a new Chinese teacher in London called Zhi Xing Wang teaching Qigong (Chi Kung). At the time there seemed to be few people teaching Qigong openly and I turned up to my first weekend session in Chalk Farm not really knowing what to expect. The Qigong that I had learned up to then had been martial and very hard, apart from one soft palm breathing form. But this stuff was a totally different ball game! There were lots of standing postures and sitting meditation which my body and mind weren't really prepared for and I found it all quite difficult to start with. But as time went on my body started to loosen up and things started to move that hadn't moved before.

Up to then I had no idea that the internal force of the the body could actually move you if you let it, it was all really fascinating and things started to change fast. Zhi Xings method was to work with the group energy field and it felt like you were in a pressure cooker, negative force being pushed out and positive Qi entering the body and really energising you...I was buzzing! Literally!

I was still training with Sifu Leung at this point and the Qigong had a huge effect on my martial arts, it took on a whole new dimension. The imagination became more of a reality and it felt like for the first time I could really start to understand what internal energy was like, how it moved, and how to direct it by using your intention. I also started to be more sensitive to the fact that the three aspects of body, energy and mind are interconnected and interdependent, creating positive or negative cycles that form patterns of harmony or disharmony. The martial forms became more "real" and understandable from an energetic point of view, they now felt like they contained Qi and as a result were much more enjoyable to practise. As the inside slowly changed and old patterns were released I noticed how my sense of connection and relationships also changed, I now seemed to exist in a much larger field of awareness than I had previously, it was all pretty exciting and amazing.

During that time I also met one of the masters that Zhi Xing had trained with, Master Cui. He was over here from Beijing for a short period and staying in Leicester, which was where Zhi Xing was studying for his masters degree. Me and my girlfriend at the time and another guy that I was training with at the Temple School, went up to meet him. He was teaching Yi Chuan, of which I had no real experience of knowledge of at the time, but boy was the room full of Qi! It was like wading through soup! The class was quite informal and loose, he wandered around adjusting postures, making corrections to movements all the time smoking cigarettes. After the class we introduced ourselves and Walter, the person who came up with me, who happened to be a kickboxing champion and was very solid, wanted to try him out. He offered to let Walter push him as hard as he would like three times, Walter tried and on the third time, Master Cui pushed him back and he just took off! It was very funny and by the look on Walters face he had not experienced anything like it before. Wanting to know how it felt, I stepped up and asked if I could try too. We did the same thing, I would push, he would dissolve the push and then on the third try he would push back. I too took off, landing unhurt a short distance away. I then tried again but this time asked what he would do if there was no contact to start with, he motioned for me to show him what I meant. So this time I tried to go around him, but he seemed to read my intention and expand. It was as if he had no edges all of a sudden! He made contact and again I flew back. Me, being a sucker for punishment, went back for a third try and he offered very kindly to close his eyes.Then, much to the amusement of the people watching, he proceeded to chase me across the room and send me over a table into the wall. I think he had proved his point. It was a good illustration what Internal martial arts could do, there was nothing flashy or exotic, it was very direct and to the point. I moved and he knew before I did where I was going, he completely mastered and controlled me without needing to hurt me. As Zhi Xing said afterwards "he was just playing with you". Unfortunately I only met him the once and did not take up his offer of tuition if I went to Beijing, at the time I was satisfied that I was getting what I needed in London.

The Qigong continued to expand and grow and Zhi Xing started to run retreats, the first of which was in Ireland. These were intense and very enjoyable periods that drew me further into the practise and opened a more emotional connection to the work that I was doing. In Ireland, for example we worked very specifically with the five emotions, sweating our way through hours of gruelling postures, but coming out the other side really feeling cleansed. Things had shifted. A stronger, a more solid foundation was developing. After this there were many more, each having a different theme or message and each, like pieces of a jigsaw, helping to provide insights into the whole picture which was gradually unfolding.

Around this time I also started to explore Tibetan Buddhism. While living in London I had the chance to go to Rigpa, a Buddhist centre on the Caledonian Road that was run by Sogyal Rinpoche. Every now and again he and other Lamas gave teachings and me and my girlfriend Julie, would go along and take it all in. We joined a small group that would meet every week to practise ngondro, a preliminary practise to clear obstructions in the body and mind, and I found that I really enjoyed the chanting. The vibration of it seemed to work it's way through your body, leaving you feeling quiet, spacious and peaceful. In the Qigong we had used healing sounds, but this was different, it seemed to have a much deeper effect and when combined with visualisation became a very powerful tool.

This led me to have what I call my first real "awakening" experience. After spending the day receiving teachings, I went home and meditated for a short while on the mantra we had been practising, repeating it over and over to myself, creating a "loop" of vibration that drew me into a state that I hadn't experienced before. My body seemed to dissolve and felt that for a short time I just existed as this vibration without any boundaries. I was aware of myself sitting there, but there was no tension, just enjoyment of the feeling of this energy moving through me. After a while I felt myself returning to a more normal state, but the excitement and clarity of this experience stayed with me. Up until then the energetic experiences that I had been having had been very physically based, but this was much more subtle and absorbing. It seemed to open up a whole new realm of possibilities, that had the potential to move beyond the physical into more subtle energetic dimensions.

Continuing to train in Sifu Leungs Kung Fu, attending Zhi Xing Qigong classes and weekends, doing Buddhist practise and doing my own daily practise didn't leave me much time for anything else. During the day I was working as a carpenter, gym instructor and massage therapist trying to keep up with financing all of the classes and courses...so something had to give. At the time I was finding the hard training of the Steelwire Mantis system difficult to maintain, and after talking with Sifu Leung about it, decided to give it up for a while. He wished me well and I left the school, which I found very emotional. The Kung Fu had given me lots of things, it had shown me the grounding and transforming value of practise, respect for teachers and fellow students and discipline to maintain it in the face of many life changes. The pull to do more "internal" work decided it for me though. I was finding that the tension that was created by the harder more external Kung Fu did not sit well with the Qigong practise, which was gradually softening and opening me up. The external Kung Fu forms seemed to have a toughening and hardening effect on the body, especially tightening the solar plexus and diaphragm area, which in turn made me feel too aggressive and intense. This tension seemed to be in opposition to my own Qigong and meditation practise, so giving up the external Kung Fu seemed the best way to go if was going to continue to develop the softer side of things. It seemed that I just didn't have the time or inclination to train to fight any more, so I had to move on.

Things took an unexpected turn in 1992, when I bought a copy of the book "Hidden Journey" by Andrew Harvey, which was about about the Indian spiritual master Mother Meera. For a good few years now I had been exploring different philosophies and spiritual practises, I had been introduced to the "radical" teachings of Da Free John, now known as Adi Da, and many other Tibetan, Chinese and Indian spiritual traditions. These all pointed towards devotion to the spiritual master as the key to ones growth and understanding, and especially emphasised the "Heart" connection to the master. In Mother Meera I was about to experience what they were talking about.


The reading of the book had quite an effect on me, it felt as if something had deeply connected, much deeper than my concious mind. There was a feeling of silent communication, stillness and peace every time I read it, which led me to want to find out more about Meera. At the time I was living by the river in Hammersmith, West London and my nearest bookshop was in Chiswick. After finishing the book I decided to go and see if there were any others about her. As I walked into the shop I noticed the picture of Meera on the front cover of the book that I had just read, but no other books. I went to ask the shop assistant if she knew of any others, she said that she didn't, but did I know that people could go to visit her at her home in Germany and receive Darshan (blessing). The thought of meeting her blew me away, and excited I left the shop and headed to the nearest phone box. The number was in the back of the book that I had just read and I called and spoke to Adalakshmi, her assistant, who told me to come quickly as she was soon to be going back to India for a visit. I needed no further prompting and headed for the nearest travel agent. Two days later I was in Germany.


At the time Mother Meera lived in a small town called Thalheim which was about an hour away from Frankfurt. It seemed a rather unusual place for her to be, very conservative, fairly wealthy, very clean. I managed to find a place to stay in another village nearby and got ready for the first Darshan which was in the evening. There was a fairly long walk to her house, through the fields that separated the two villages, but it added to the the excitement and sense of expectation that was growing in me. When I got to the house everyone was queuing up to get in and you had to wait for a while until you could find your seat in the room. Again it wasn't quite what I had expected, it was a white room full of lines of white plastic chairs, and in the centre of the room was a big flowery armchair with a small carpet in front of it. The people shuffled in, found seats and waited.


At 7pm she quietly entered the room and sat down in the armchair, she was wearing the most beautiful sari and was followed by Adalakshmi who sat on her right side. I had managed to find a seat directly in front of her and watched as one by one people came up to recieve Darshan. They would kneel in front of her and she would hold their head in her lap for a short time, then when she let go, they would sit back and look into her eyes until she dropped her gaze. Then they would go back to their seat and she would wait until another person would come to take their place. All this happened in silence, not one word was spoken. One after another people went to receive Darshan, some cried, some smiled, some had to be helped, all of them seemed changed in some way by the experience. It wasn't until an hour or so had passed that I felt that I could go too.


I got up and sat in the chair that was by her side, waiting for the previous person to finish. My heart seemed to want to explode, I was excited and terrified at the same time. Being so close you could see and feel the intensity of it all, there was this one point of focus, no distraction, the room seemed to get brighter and at the centre of all this was her. There was a space and I went to kneel in front of her. I waited and then she took my head, I remember being quite surprised at how strong her hands were, there was nothing flaky about this, this where we were. I felt a strong surge of something moving from my head down through my body and tried to open to it. A warm liquid feeling filled and relaxed me. After a minute or so she let go and I sat back on my heels and looked into her eyes. The feeling of connection was instant, she was looking not at me but into me, again I tried to open and surrender into the experience. I felt my heart expand and take in what she was giving me, it felt so good, time stood still and I wanted to be nowhere else but there. I remember as I looked at her, being struck by the feeling that there was no one there, that she was not a personality doing something, she was just being, an open channel for the infinite. Then it was gone, she looked down and I returned to my seat feeling like my chest was going to burst open. Each time during that short visit it was the same but I came away different. During the days I would walk in the hills around the villages soaking up this sense of peace and stillness, feeling and meditating on the changes that were happening to me. I felt lighter, quieter and constantly aware of this subtle sense of expansion and connection that seemed to grow day by day.

The connection to Mother Meera brought about a very intense period of practise for me, it was as if the force she was giving me amplified and sped everything up. Each time I visited her over the next few years, I left feeling like another part of me had been unravelled, and on my return my relationship to things would be noticeably different. The more I surrendered into the process, the quicker things changed and the freer and more peaceful I felt. There was no effort involved, it almost seemed like it had nothing to do with me, like sitting on a train and watching the scenery flash past. As a result my Meditation and Qigong practise deepened and it became easier to sit for longer periods without distraction. Being became a pleasure, meditation was enjoyable and natural.


In this time I was fortunate enough to receive teachings from many Lamas and teachers of different spiritual traditions. I've always felt that it is important to receive the direct transmissions from a qualified master, as it takes you to the heart of that particular tradition. As Padmasambhava said, once you have tasted sugar for yourself you don't need to imagine what it tastes like. I never felt confused by the different points of view that were being offered and that is in part thanks to Da Free John. His very clear picture of spiritual traditions and how they relate to each stage of life is a real gift that continues to inform me.


Even though I had continued my own martial art practise, it had been a few years now since I had attended any martial art classes and thought that it was a thing of the past. But in 1992 I was to meet a Taiji (Tai Chi) Master that would change all that and become my main teacher for many years. Zhi Xing had organised a talk in London by Dr Shen Hongxun and we had all been invited to attend. The evening came and we all piled into Natashas House, which was just off Ladbroke grove in Notting Hill and listened to the talk on Qigong and Taiji. The talk itself was interesting, but not as interesting as the feeling of Qi coming from the speaker.

The talk went into great detail about Tai Chi and Qigong practise and even though his spoken English wasn't so great, he seemed to be able to get his point across without the need of too much translation. After the talk I found out that he was planning to hold some seminars in the U.K. on his Qigong and Tai Chi system in the summer of 1993. I didn't actually manage to get to his first seminar on Taijiwuxigong, but after talking with friends who went along, I decided that I would have to go and take part in the first Taiji 37 seminar in Reading later that summer.


Thinking that it might be a bit like regular martial art classes I felt that I was prepared. I had the idea that we might be doing some slow forms, maybe some pushing hands and applications, but no... It was mayhem!


We started off slow, still in fact, but from there it all exploded into a chaos of movement and sound! The people who had been to the Taijiwuxigong seminar had already had some experience of this, but for me it was just crazy, people jumping, shaking, screaming, spinning around, laughing, and all of it seemingly being directed by Dr Shen. Personally I was struggling, I couldn't understand what this had to do with Tai Chi, especially coming from quite a strict martial background. How were we supposed to make sense of this chaos?


At the end of the first day I was still very confused and rather fed up. I was used to the feeling of being moved by the qi, but it was normally done in a rather more controlled environment, following specific exercises. I just couldn't get my head around the method being used. People seemed to go a bit crazy around Dr Shen, he would raise his hand or foot and they would move in all sorts of ways, Zhi Xing included. I didn't know if they were making it up or if it was real and I just wasn't feeling it. The second day wasn't much better and I was thinking of leaving, but in the end I decided to stay for a bit longer, mainly because it was bringing up a lot of resistance, which in itself began to interest me. So I sat back for a bit and watched the others going through the motions.


I noticed that Dr Shen seemed to be doing something energetically which moved people as they held the postures, even though he wasn't physically touching them. The more I looked, the more I could see some order coming out of this chaos. He would come along and sort of trigger off movement which person would follow until it died out, then they would return to the original posture. Each person seemed to have a different way of expressing this force that he was giving, but I also saw that quite a few people were starting to do the same movements.


I had another go at the postures and found that if I really connected to my own Dantien (centre), I too started to have these strong reactions. By getting my relaxation and concentration just right, I could feel my Dantien connect to the Earth, and if I held the posture in a more relaxed way, movement started to come. I found that a lot of the martial training I had done previously was working against me, I was too solid. If I just aligned everything and let go it would just happen by itself!


I was just starting to enjoy myself when Dr Shen showed up and it got more interesting. As he approached I felt a sudden surge of force and heat entering my body, initially I resisted, but then found that the feeling stopped, so I relaxed and movement became stronger. The more I relaxed, the more it went through me, the more I moved. It was great fun! and even though I ended up in a heap I got back up wanting more. This seemed to continue in varying ways throughout the retreat and I found that it had a purifying effect on the body/mind, the more I let go, the deeper the effect seemed to be. By the end I wondered why I resisted in the first place!


Over the years there has been some dispute, especially in martial circles, about "empty force" or "kong jin", as in does it exist or is it just a fantasy that people indulge in. I have approached it from both viewpoints and found that, as ever, the truth is to be found somewhere in the middle. For me it is not an irresistable force that turns someone into a superman or woman, but a usefull tool that can release a lot of psychophysical tension and pent up energy that gets locked in the body/mind. These areas of tension can be quite difficult to reach using conventional qigong and meditation exercises. 


To be continued......